Dear Life

Kayne Finley in the Atlantic Ocean, Ormond Beach, FL

Dear Life,
I have decided to put you on hold for a little while. I do not want you to move me into tomorrow. I want to stay right here in this day. Today. Please do not propel me to do good. Do something for myself. Do something for someone else. Do not goat me into feeling sorry.

Give in to my unwillingness to think. To work. To talk. To plan. To mingle. To stretch myself into what I do not feel like doing.

Dear Life,
Just stop. Stop pushing forward every day. Because, every day is further away from the last day. The last day I saw him. Touched him. Kissed him and held him in my arms. Further away from the last time I smelled him. Heard his laugh. Traced every inch of his beautiful face. The last day I heard his lips say: I love you.

Every day pushes further into the sea of waves where the vibrant blue waters remind me of your eyes. The sandy beach is likened to the color of your blonde hair. The clouds are like puffs of uncontrollable giggles we used to share.

Dear Life,
Is it true? Is it really going to be this way? You push forward and seem to forget what I have been through. Why is it you do not seem to care? What are you going to do with me? What am I going to do with myself?

This life I am living seems unbearable at times and it bring me sadness. I am back to work and juggling. Every day I am doing good. Feeling decent. It is a front of sorts. I am in the mix but not really mixing. I am in the fold but not feeling folded. I am ready but unsteady.

You did this to me. You have stripped me of so much. I want it back. I want it all back. But you will not give it. Why?

It is not because you do not want to. It is because you cannot. You do not have the power. You do not have the control. You could never give me what I want. No one can. Including you, Life.

Kayne Finley jet skiing; Lake Norman, NC

Dear life,
What now? Where do I go from here? Take my desire to stand still and do something with it. Take my tears and plant something with them. Bring me a new vision and new version of myself that is more manageable. Bring me a life more desirable than the one I am in right now. Bring me more joy and less sorrow. More purpose and less ambiguity. Deeper friendships and less surface talk. Bring me more fully to my purpose for being.

Dear Life,
You are not who I pray to. It is God who I pray to and who will right all of my wrongs. Bring me forward into the next day when it comes. Hold me in the palm of his hand until he calls me to his eternal home.

I am going to go where The Lord leads me. He is my friend. He will guide me. He is with me today. He was there yesterday. He will be there tomorrow.

Blessings and grace,
~Kirsten

“May He grant you according to your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your purpose.” Psalm 20:4 NKJV

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